After the obligatory trip to the park last night, Barley and I curled up on the couch for some mindless tv. As I flipped through the channels and munched on my Skinny Cow (Yummy!), I cursed the network season finales which had left me with crap summer television. Even my trusty HGTV was a rerun. But then I came to USA Network. “Silence of the Lambs” was on USA and because I’m a total moron, I put the remote control down.
Now for those of you who don’t know me (I love how I act like I have a plethora of captive readers) I’m terrified of scary movies. I’m pretty sure “Silence of the Lambs" was the last scary movie I saw in the theater. Seriously. I can’t even watch Unsolved Mysteries because the music is scary. I once watched an A&E special about the Top 20 Serial Killers of All Time and I didn’t sleep for days.
Anyway, last night I figured that I’m a grown woman and I can certainly sit through the tv version of “Silence of the Lambs”. Turns out, I cannot. Let me rephrase, I can sit through it, but expecting a restful night’s sleep afterwards is ludicrous.
10:30pm – Headed up to bed. Double checked the locks to the front door, the French doors on the patio and the door to the garage.
11:00pm – Crawled into bed to read for a while. Trusty dog asleep in his bed.
11:20pm – Turned off bedside lamp and closed eyes. Immediately heard some funky noise and sat up. Trusty dog, still asleep, farted and woke himself up but did not acknowledge funky noise.
11:21pm – Got up to lock bedroom door. Surely Hannibal Lecter will not be able to get through small, ineffective push-button lock. Called to Trusty Dog to look out in the hall for Hannibal or one of the Top 20 Serial Killers of All Time who were certainly lurking in the hallway. Trusty Dog, ears flat and tail down, walked over to the door, stuck his head out, and then looked back at me as if to say “Hey Lady, you got me out of my Woolrich bed for this?!” Contemplated putting Trusty Dog on eBay at that moment.
Midnight – Drifted off to sleep.
1:23am – Woke up from sleep because certain funky noise was back but now in the hall. Stopped breathing to get better auditory clarification of noise. Funky Noise was crafty and would not present itself when I was awake.
1:50am – Was still awake.
2:17am – Was still awake. And now real bitter.
3am – Got up and ironed some clothes while watching infomercial on The Magic Bullet. Contemplated buying one because yes, I would like to have delicious meals made with just one kitchen utensil.
3:42pm – Asked self why I watched that forther-mucking movie as I tried my hand at my knitting again after an 8 month hiatis. It did not go well. Contemplated jamming knitting needle into eye.
4:20ish – Drifted off to sleep…again.
5am – Am awoken by a loud thud outside. Trusty dog heard this one and woke up. I pulled back the blinds to see the paperboy walking over to my neighbors porch and grabbing the paper that had hit the gutter. Contemplated killing paperboy.
Never did end up going back to sleep so I went to workout. As I stepped on the treadmill, I looked up at the tv and there was a commercial for the USA Network movie tonight – “Hannibal”.
Perhaps tonight I can catch a rerun of “Joey”…
8 comments:
Hahaha. omg, I feel your pain. I am the EXACT same way (obviously, right??). I can't even watch "Scream" without having a panic attack! My friend at work was just telling me today that I should really watch "Silence of the Lambs" since it's such a classic, but seeing as how I don't even have a Trusty Dog, I think it's best I steer clear...
Wow, see you really should have watched Beauty and the Geek!
DO NOT watch Hannibal.
Have you learned nothing? If you want to revisit "Silence of the Lambs" come talk to me. You know I do a great Hannibal impression. Ok, so me doing Hannibal isn't scary, but at least it won't keep you up at night.
This THIS is what you get for calling me and when I answer saying "Hello, Clarice." I feel your pain though -- I'm not a fan of scary movies either, as you may remember from when we went and saw "The Sixth Sense" and you kept whispering for me to get out of your lap. What, I have a vivid imagination, ok?
Hello Clarice...
:P
If it helps ease the scariness....
Reagan's favorite name when she was little was Curlise, as she mis-heard Clarice. So now that is the name of their standard poodle.
Merideth cannot resist greeting the dog every time with, "Hello Curlise...." The Dr. Lecter mystique is gone when an attentive poodle follows you around.
I worked as a secruity gaurd in college and watched
Stephen Kings "IT" , those were the longest friggin'
security rounds through a darkened building I've ever made. that job pretty much broke me of all scary movies. I'm still so temped to watch the "RING" but I'm pretty sure i'll have to throw out my VCR then !
Wow - who knew Clarice would be so popular?
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