First, thanks to everyone who called and email yesterday after I posted. After spending a great deal of time thinking about the situation, I came to a few conclusions…
1) It hurt more than I ever let on to anyone – myself included.
2) I can’t be over something just because I think enough time has elapsed.
3) I’m entitled to have moments of sadness and I shouldn’t feel bad about it.
4) No one thinks less of me for being *whisper* vulnerable.
5) I have been spending too much time beating myself up.
When it all happened I worried that everyone would think I was an emotional basket case if I really admitted how hard it was on me. I always knew I was doing the right thing so I guess I thought that I should take comfort in that fact. The problem is, the right thing doesn’t always feel so good. In fact, sometimes it hurts like hell.
I would hold a lot of my feelings in because I was worried that people would think I was weak. At least that’s what I told myself. But as I was running last night, I realized the person I was most scared of was myself. I was scared that I would think I was weak.
I’ve always been much harder on myself than anyone else in my life. I hold myself to high standards and I’m proud of that but sometimes it gets a bit out of hand. So I decided that I’m entitled to be a little sad – even if it seems like a dumb thing to be sad about. And I also decided that none of this means I’m weak – it means I’m human.
3 comments:
Since we talked this morning, obviously you know what I think. But I'm proud of you for recognizing that it's ok to be sad about something and even ok to feel dumb about it, as long as you continue to let yourself feel even if you do feel dumb.
Much love from the girl who gets sad at tons of things, feels stupid and thengets back on the horse. Or something. Ride 'em cowboy!
Wow. I feel like you just took words and thoughts directly out of my very own head. In fact, I could copy/paste your post and put it on my own blog and it would make just as much sense. I just want you to know, seriously, that you are not alone. And I know what you're going through, and I'm going through it too. And you're SO strong! Just realizing all these things makes you SO STRONG!! It's hard being our own toughest critic, isn't it? It's tough always trying to "do the right thing" - cuz you're right, the right thing sometimes hurts like a bitch!
You are so right. And you're not alone. I do the same things to myself, but you're right about the things you realized. That takes a lot of guts to do, so rest assured, you aren't weak. In fact, you're inspiring.
Post a Comment