This Message Brought to You By a Bitter, Old Woman

Remember the scene in Sixteen Candles when the headgear girl is dancing all robotically? Well that’s what I look like today…minus the headgear, of course. And I haven’t been dancing today, but you get my drift.

I don’t know what I did but my neck is killing me. It started yesterday afternoon as I sat at my desk working on what can only be described as The Most Miserable Project of My Career. I felt this dull ache under my left shoulder blade. I assumed it was because I’d been hunched over my keyboard like Quasimodo for the better part of three hours. I took a break and got up to walk down the hall to the water cooler. I stretched my arms a little and felt a sharp pain in my neck. I grabbed some Advil and sat back down to continue working. The Advil didn’t really seem to help but I didn’t worry about it because I was heading home soon.

I was about halfway through my commute when I glanced over my shoulder to change lanes and the pain shot across my shoulders and up my neck. It was one of those pains where you have to take a sharp breath and then make the obligatory high-pitched squeal. I dropped a loud M-F’er and promised myself that I’d stay in the right lane until I got home.

I took Barley for a walk once I got home, thinking that maybe walking would loosen the muscle. It actually did feel a little better when I got home, which was good because I was having dinner with my mom and Rosie. I stretched a little more before getting cleaned up for dinner and took some more Advil. By the time I reached the restaurant, my neck was feeling pretty good.

While we had dinner, I could feel my neck tightening again so I self-prescribed a big glass of Denzante. It didn’t help much because by the time I got home I could barely look left or right. Right about then, I threw myself a pity party because I’m single and if I had a boyfriend or husband, he would certainly jump at the chance to massage my shoulders and back. Boo-friggin-hoo. I popped two Tylenol PM and drank a cup of SleepyTime tea. I was feeling no pain and asleep in less than five minutes after finishing my tea.

I woke up this morning feeling very rested after nine whole hours of sleep. I rolled over to turn on my lamp and almost screamed. I must not have moved once after falling asleep because my entire left side was in pain. My neck hurt, my back was killing me and my shoulder was so tight that it hurt to turn the little knob on my lamp. I limped my way into the shower and made the water as hot as I could take it, hoping it would help. It did not.

It’s now 3:30pm and it still hurts. I’ve already exceeded the recommended daily dose of Advil. I tried to get in for a massage tonight but couldn’t get an appointment. So here I sit, sad and sore and totally feeling sorry for myself. Also, I jammed my finger in my desk drawer earlier and broke a nail. So I’m a hunchback with scraggly nails.

***insert sad, violin music here***

Bring on the headgear.