Holiday Recap....oh, and a jolly story of how I almost fashioned a noose out of an airline blanket to put myself out of my misery on my flight home...

The festivities are over and I’m back in Colorado. I’m exhausted but I’m not exactly sure why I’m so tired. Here’s a brief overview of my five days in Michigan:
1) Ate yummy foods.
2) Drank wine.
3) Watched movies.
4) Slept.
5) Hung with the nieces and nephew. (I don’t care if you’re not supposed to have favorites; four-month-old Ava is my favorite. She is all shades of precious and I wanted to put her in my carry-on bag and take her home with me. I didn’t even care when she puked on my gorgeous new sweater…that’s how precious she is.)
6) Ate some more yummy foods.
7) Drank more wine.
8) Slept.
9) Watched “A Christmas Story” with my step-dad. Twice.
10) Watched some more movies.
11) Shopped with mom.
12) Drank wine with mom.
13) Ate yummy food with whoever was around.
14) Slept.

Yeah, that kind of lifestyle really takes it out of a girl. *sigh*

I got some wonderful presents and only had one holiday snafu – I left the cashmere sweater that I got for my mom at my house. It was her big present from me and although her other gifts were there, I boarded the Boo-Hoo Express and cried for a good hour over the fact that I’d left her gift sitting on the guestroom bed. But being the wonderful mother she is, she just kept telling me that my presence was her present. I was totally forgiven for the oversight.

What I was not forgiven for?
Skipping Christmas Eve mass in favor of tv watching on the couch. She was even less amused when I asked her to tell the Lord hi for me.

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In other holiday related news, let’s talk about my travels to and from Michigan. See, roughly 95% of the time, I have the joy of a layover in Chicago, Minneapolis or Detroit when I go to Lansing. And 99% of the time, my layovers are scheduled to be an hour but the flights are always late so I end up O.J.-in it through one of the aforementioned airports. And because I pack in a manner that’s reminiscent of Rose as she boarded the Titanic, it’s never an easy feat to make my flight. I’m usually loaded down like a pack-mule and just a sherpa short of an epic journey. So I was prepared for that when I landed in Detroit last week. I was fully ready to haul my cookies from one terminal to the next in record time but I didn’t need to because my flight was right on time. I also sat alone for the flight from Detroit to Lansing so I could stretch out – you know, because I’m 5’4” and my loooooooooooooooooong legs need the room. Point is, it was a refreshing change. I got off the plane at Capital City Airport and walked past the other three gates (I heart small airports) and headed toward the escalator. I was about half way down the escalator when I saw my mom waving with a huge smile on her face. Her first question was, “How was Detroit? Did you have to run to your connection?” I explained how wonderfully everything had gone and as soon as I was done speaking I’d wished I kept my mouth shut. I just knew I’d jinxed myself for the travels back to Denver.

Yeah, I totally did.

So today I left Michigan at 7a.m. and headed to Minneapolis. I hate the flights in and out of Lansing because they’re always on small planes. I’m not a great flyer but I’m even less great when it’s a dinky little plane. Anyway, I got on the plane and prepared to fall fast asleep when the “Largest Man to Ever Get on a Plane” took his seat next to me. I’m not talking about a heavy-set person, I’m talking about the fact that Andre the Giant came back to life just to get on this flight with me. He was gi-freakin-normous! He sat down and his arm immediately flopped over on to my arm. For the next hour and a half I was pinned against the window. Oh, and also, he sat with his legs spread wide, wide, wiiiiiiiide apart so my legs were smooshed up against the wall. And as if that wasn’t enough, the lady behind me coughed and wheezed and hacked the whole way.

Yummy.

So when I wasn’t freebasing Advil to combat the pain in my arms and legs, I was dousing myself in Purell.

After I got off that flight, I stopped for a bagel and some coffee. (I’m a much more pleasant person when I’ve had my coffee.) The fine people working there this morning were a bit overwhelmed by the crowd. This is the only explanation I have for how they screwed up my order four times. FOUR. TIMES. Here’s what I ordered:

1 – egg and cheese sandwich on a plain bagel.
1 – regular coffee

Here’s what I received:
First try: everything bagel with lox.
Second try: hotdog wrapped in some kind of bread.
Third try: chocolate chip bagel with plain cream cheese
Fourth try: some kind of panini sandwich

I almost cried by the fourth time. I was certain I was the latest victim of “Boiling Points”. (Aside: Is that show still on MTV?) They finally got it right and it only took 20 minutes.

I boarded the plane to Denver only to face the grim realization that I was again going to be seated next to a person of extraordinary size…this time it was a woman. This chick was well over six feet tall and had the shoulders of a linebacker. She made it very clear early on that she had no intention of sharing the armrest. She also crossed her legs in a way that allowed me very little room to move my legs at all. The best part was when she fell asleep and her hand fell into my lap. She woke up when I moved her hand and glared at me. I’m pretty sure that’s when my head exploded. If she hadn’t been three times my size, it totally would have come to fisticuffs. I think I could have taken that big be-otch.

Who knew I could make this story as painfully long for you as the flights were for me?

Aren’t you happy I’m back???