"If You're Coming, I'm Going"

My hair is light, my skin is dark, my sides hurt and my knees itch…all signs of a fantastic vacation.

The hair is light because I had my highlights done before I left. My skin is a lovely shade of tan because we had two days of lounging by the pool. My sides hurt from all of the side-splitting laughter. My knees itch because apparently I didn’t apply sunscreen to that region.

And now the recap…

Thursday: Arrived in Vegas. Had big ol’ perv of a cab driver. We are nice girls but don’t scare easily so we sat and listened to his business proposal for an XXX rated board game. Decided against investing in aforementioned porno board game and just prayed we would actually be taken to our hotel and not a brothel. Arrived at Mirage, thanked the good Lord and checked in. Promptly went to room to change into party clothes. Number of times outfits were changed: roughly 47. There was gambling (Becki won $200) and dinner (the tater tots at Stacked are sinfully good) and drinking (champagne!).

Friday: Had secured lounge chairs poolside by 9am. Had secured my first Bloody Mary by 9:01am. Had consumed aforementioned Bloody Mary by 9:04am. More drinks of the fruity/colorful/blended variety were consumed. When asked if we were going to eat at some point, Karen responded: There’s fruit in the drinks. All parties nodded in agreement. Naps were needed somewhere around 3pm. Big-pimpin suite was quite suitable for napping. Awoke around 7pm and began the process of getting ready. Headed to Paris for dinner where all consumed carbs in an effort to soak up the alcohol that we’d consumed/planned on consuming later. Headed to The Palms (totally got the hook-up thanks to my job) and played at Ghost Bar. When escorted in past the people waiting in line a barnacle attached himself to our group. We didn’t notice but the bouncer did and the barnacle was removed. On elevator ride up, obnoxious drunk, middle-aged woman fell into Becki while she sang “We Are Family”. Becki’s response? “We are NOT family” while pushing the woman off of her. There were drinks and shots at Ghost and lots of people-watching. Headed downstairs to Rain for dancing. More drinks, more shots. Lots of dancing. Lots of unwanted touching. Saw a guy dancing with a guy dressed as a girl. Pretty sure the first guy was too intoxicated to notice the stunning lack of estrogen in his date. Some guy grabbed Karen’s ass on the dance floor. Despite the fact that he was a good foot taller and had roughly 100 lbs on her, she tore into him. It was a hoot to watch. He walked away looking wounded. We laughed at him. No clue what time we left. Think this was the night we ended up at another casino for a meal at 4am but I can’t be certain. Went back to our suite and annoyed/amused friends with my antics and song lyrics. It couldn’t be helped as I had the Best Buzz Ever. Best.

Saturday: The girls woke up early and ready to hit the pool. The only thing I was ready to hit was cheery girls. Wanted to go back to sleep but hated the thought of missing a single second with my friends so threw on my suit and went along. Worried that there would be another Wonton Soup Incident, girls ensured I was fed on a regular basis. More tomfoolery by the pool. Purchased and read every magazine out right now. Back to the suite late in the afternoon for mandatory naps. Woke up and got ready for another night out. Had dinner at Shanghai Lily in Mandalay Bay. Food not so good but there was a giant lazy Susan on our table with which we amused ourselves to no end. “Hey, lazy Susan me the rest of the wine!’ Had martinis at Red Square – yummy! Went to New York, New York for blackjack and rollercoaster riding. Was proud that dinner and drinks stayed in stomach and not sprayed across the strip after the coaster. More drinks at bar in NY, NY. Headed to Bellagio for light show. Took lots o’ pictures and tried to decide which was best…as though we would be sending Christmas cards. Saw Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife and some chick from the Apprentice. (Finally! My incessant reading of People and US Weekly paid off because I recognized these two C-list celebrities.) Another big ol perv cab driver told us about his interesting clients from the swingers club and the time he “was banging this lady with a nice chest” in the back of his cab as her husband watched. The nice girls who don’t scare easily were a little freaked. Never wanted to get out of the back of a cab so badly in my whole life.

Sunday: Woke up and ordered the largest breakfast ever requested from room service. Figured since we had the Baller’s Suite we should use the Baller’s Dining Room and eat a Baller’s Breakfast. The lady who took our order stated that we had a large order for five people. Silly room service lady. We ate in a manner that would lead one to believe we all have ridiculously high metabolisms. Between mouthfuls of food we again uttered Amber’s priceless quote from earlier in the weekend: “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…except for the calories you take home on your ass.” Showered, packed and headed to the airport. Amber got stopped at security because of the boot and was thoroughly worked over by some woman with a wand. As she gathered her belongings she looked at Karen and I and stated flatly, “That was the most action I got in Vegas.”

My girls, they kill me.