On Behalf of My Lovely State

If you go back and look through my archives, I don't think you'll find too many posts about politics. This is because I believe that most people who talk about politics all the time are ass-clowns with agendas. So I just try to stay away from most of that stuff. And really? Let's face it, if you're reading this blog on a regular basis you're not coming for poignant social commentary, you want to hear about what dumb ass thing I've done (or dated) as of late.

However, I'm going to make a slight exception just this once and venture into politics a wee bit. I have now received this email more than a dozen times and it scares me. I'm alarmed that it was allegedly written by someone from Colorado because I wasn't aware that we had anyone this insane in our state lines. There is so much wrong with this email that if I get it one more time without commenting on the insanity I may rip my gorgeous hair out of my head. And that would be a shame because I think we can all agree that my hair is my one true beauty. So for the sake of my hair, we continue into this new area of blogging.

I present the email that is making its way around the planet...and my response as well. .The original text of the email is in black font. My comments are in red and italics. Please visualize me rubbing my temples and squeezing the bridge of my nose while I respond...

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This text is from a county emergency manager out in the central
part of Colorado after today's snowstorm.

Up here, in the Northern Plains, we just recovered from a "Historic event"---may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions"with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated
scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands. No one in Denver refers to our geographical location as "up here in the Northern Plains". (And we certainly don't use quotes all the damn time a
la Britney. I won't even go into all of the errors in that paragraph but it reminded me of reading that email Lindsey Lohan sent out a few weeks back.) We didn't get 44" of snow....maybe it drifted that high. Am I the only one picturing snowbanks with AK-47's when he mentioned "lethal snow banks"? Sure, we might have had gusts of 90 mph but it didn't close ALL roads. As for power failures...personally, I lost power for 20 minutes one day. So I took a nap and waited for the locust to show up after the "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions".

George Bush did not come. Neither did the locust. We were blessed by the absence of both.

FEMA did nothing. So they did what they do best.

No one howled for the government. We don't do much howling in these here parts.

No one blamed the government. No, because the last time I checked the government doesn't control the weather. But I do have a bone to pick with old man winter...that bastard.

No one even uttered an expletive on TV . Yeah. I'm willing to bet that at least one expletive was uttered during the course of the storm. Perhaps it didn't make it on tv but they tend to cut out a lot of the f-bombs people used to discuss the amount of snow we had. The FCC is funny like that.

Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit. With the airport being closed, it was tough for anyone to visit....like Bush and the locust.

Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else. Um, did the author of this watch the news? There was plenty blame going around for the crappy roads, closed airport, etc. I'm not sure how much was dumped on Bush but be sure there was blame.

Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else, either. See above. And then please shut up already.

CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snowstorm. Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards. Sidebar: Stupid people are funny. Ok, first of all it wasn't a Category 5 storm. (Also, I did a totally unscientific poll and found out that no one here discusses snowstorms in categories...we just compare it to the last big storm. You heard a lot of this..."Wow Bob, this is as big as the
March '03 storm...just not as wet." You heard none of this..."Wow Bob, this is gonna be a Category 5!!!) But I would like to demand a $2000 debit card to pay for the manicure and massage I needed after shoveling all of that snow that the government did not move for me.

No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House. That's because the CATEGORY 5 STORM!!! didn't destroy any houses. The snow did not inflitrate every square inch of any home and then cause toxic mold and force us from our homes. Also, we usually don't start demanding trailers until after a CATEGORY 37 STORM.

No one looted. We couldn't really get out the front door for a few days, how the hell were we going to loot?

Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something. Huh, I distinctly remember the National Guard being sent out. And I do believe the managed to drop a shit load of hay to those hungry cows on the plains.

Nobody expected the government to do anything, either. I see. So the government just fed those cows out of the goodness of its heart.

No Larry King, No Bill O'Rielly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No Geraldo Rivera. No Shaun Penn, No Barbara Striesand, No Hollywood types to be found. It was tough making it through without those windbags around. Hell, the hot air generated by Bill O'Reilly alone would have melted the four foot snow drift in front of my garage. And the Hollywood types? Um, Cameron Diaz totally made it to Aspen in time for Christmas. So did Mariah Carey.

Nope, we just melted the snow for water. I don't know of a single soul who had to melt snow for water. Not one.

Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars. Who exactly sent out said caravans? Sure, people went out to help people because it's the right thing to do. And by the way, there was a Hummer stuck at an intersection by my house so I'm not sure how many people he was able to heroically pluck from snow engulfed cars. Plucking is hard when your SUV his high-centered due to a CATEGORY 5 STORM!!!

The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny. They may not have but I still want my $2000 debit card for manis, pedis and massages.

Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snowbound families. I'm SO miffed!
No restaurant made me a meal and I live two blocks from Cafe Jordano. Those rat bastards! And you can bet your sweet ass that had the fire department delivered a hot meal you would have heard about it from me. After three days being alone in my house I'm certain I would have requested more than a hot meal.

Families took in the stranded people - total strangers. I did not take in
one stranger. I am a bad storm survivor. However, I would like to put the word out there before the next storm that I will happily take in stranded fire fighters. But only hot ones.

We fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns. Well, Jimmy crack corn and I don't care! The wood stove was not fired up because I don't live in a cabin deep in the woods. I didn't break out a coal oil lanterns because I wasn't sure if it took coal or oil. And after the confusion of the coal/oil variety I just
couldn't even think about my Coleman lantern. So I turned on my gas fireplace, made some coffee and Baileys and snuggled up under my chenille blankie. It was tough but somehow, I survived.

We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die". Don't all people put on extra layers of clothes when it gets cold? And whoa, whoa, WHOA - I did NOT get the "Work or Die" memo so don't tell anyone about my days of watching movies via On Demand, drinking spiked cocoa and trimming my cuticles. They would take away my Colorado residency for sure. Sidebar: Will someone please get me a silk-screen t-shirt that reads "WORK OR DIE!" for my birthday this year? Because that would rock.

We did not wait for some affirmative action government
to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks. This is the
part of the manifesto where homeboy needs to start taking the meds. This just in: Colorado has welfare just like the other 49 states. Also, where can one get a "sittin at home" check? Does it cover aforementioned manis and pedis? Because if it does I'll trade it for my vote.

Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves. Ok, so I just googled CATEGORY 5 Blizzard and my sources say the author of this mess is a crackhead because our storm was no where near CATEGORY 5. But after reading about what a CATEGORY 5 STORM!!! actually entails, I can assure you that the only way I would deal with it myself would be to get stinking drunk and cry by my coal oil lantern.

In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate."
Yes, Colorado is the land of milk and honey. We have no social ills at all. We'll just ignore that drive by shooting on New Year's Eve that killed a Denver Bronco. And let's not talk about that pesky little Jon Benet murder. And that "Man of God" in Colorado Springs who likes heroin and massages from male escorts but likes to be a TOTAL hypocrite about it? Let's not talk about him. Yes, my friends our social
problems have evaporated.

It does seem that way, at least to me. It seems you're dumb, at least to me.

I hope this gets passed on. Your wish has come true. And now the whole world thinks people from Colorado are total asshats.

Maybe SOME people will get the message. The world does Not owe you a living. So if this is the message, that would make you the messenger. And you know what they do to the messenger, right?