I Want the Truth!

(Alternative title: There's a Reason They Have All Those Jokes About Attorneys…)

So where to even begin when it comes to my date with the attorney?

Alright, I suppose that I should confess that I jumped on the bandwagon and tried Match. After several dates I can only say that I would like my money back. For years I've been dating substandard men for free….I don't need to pay to meet Mr. Wrong.

(Sidebar: I am currently on a plane coming back from Florida and there is a woman sitting next to me who clearly thinks I cannot see her straining her eyes trying to read what I am typing. To fuck with her, I've changed the font from 12 pt. to 8pt. She also keeps playing with her hair which let's be honest, that bugs too.)

Anyway, I was getting ready to cancel my subscription one night when I came across a profile that looked really interesting. I read it and unlike most of the others, his profile made me laugh vs. wanting to cry. It was pretty late and I just wanted to go to bed so I bookmarked his profile and figured I'd send him an email when I wasn't so tired and could create the perfect, witty email. The following evening after returning home from work I checked my email to find that he had sent me an email to me! Hooray – I love it when they do all the work! And thus began our correspondence. We emailed for about a week and the night after exchanging numbers, he called. We ended up on the phone for two hours and talked about a million random things. We came from completely different backgrounds – he grew up in an affluent family from the east coast and went to an Ivy League school and I...didn't. But I was determined not to look for reasons to write him off and our conversation was so much fun so I just decided to relax. (Who knew I was even capable of such a thing?) He invited me to dinner the following week. His sense of humor was rather dry and I knew we were very different but as I got off the phone I realized I was feeling a little giddy…and I hadn't been giddy in a while.

The following Wednesday we were supposed to meet at 7pm. I had a situation come up at work and so I called him at 6:30pm to let him know I would be a little late. He seemed ok and said he would see me there. I saw him when I walked in and was pleasantly surprised to find he was better looking in person than he was in his photos. He stood up as I walked to the table and greeted me with a smile and a quick hug. So far, so good, I thought as I sat down. He was over 6 ft. and had a good build. His hair was dark brown, thick and boyishly wavy. And the best part? He had really great hands. I just love a man with nice hands. The conversation came easily and after a few minutes it felt less like a blind date and more like dinner with an old friend. All was going well when….

"So, did you ever get to sleep last night?" he asked as he took a sip of beer.

We had been on the phone around 10:30pm the night before finalizing plans. I had just crawled into bed and was looking forward to a full night's sleep. Just as we were getting ready to get off the phone I noticed a ton of bright lights outside of my house and heard yelling. I got out of bed and looked outside to see a bunch of cop cars with their lights on. Barley started getting antsy and began to growl. I explained to the attorney the scene outside my house and just as I was about to mention how my quiet neighborhood was suddenly Compton, I looked outside to see two officers running down the grass with their guns drawn. I told the attorney this and he wisely advised that I get away from the window. He asked if my doors were locked and I went to check them. A few minutes passed and Barley and I were sitting on the stairs when I heard the cops yell again and Barley started barking….a lot. At this point, I was freaking out. The attorney asked if I could see anything going on and I looked out the office window to see a few officers standing on my porch with flashlights. I guess I was breathing a little hard because soon the attorney was telling me to take a deep breath and try to relax. I took Barley back into my room, closed the door, moved my rattan chest in front of it and crawled back into bed. A few more minutes passed and I heard the sounds of big dog barking outside and MUCH more yelling. I peeked out again and saw the officers had a man in handcuffs and were leading him to the squad car.* Soon after that, all of the police had left and the attorney and I said goodnight and got off the phone. So that's why he was asking about my sleep the night before.

"Yes, eventually. I think it was after 2am when I fell asleep."

"Did you ever find out what happened," he asked.

"No. I ran into my neighbor today who knows everything that goes on in the neighborhood and she slept through the entire thing," I laughed.

"Hmmm," he said. "That's weird. You know, I kind of thought you made the whole thing up."

I looked up at him to see if he was kidding but he was totally serious. I can count on one hand the number of times a man has left me speechless – this was one of them.

"Huh...what?" was all I could muster.

"Yeah, I thought you made the whole thing up. You know, to test me."

"But why? I mean, who does that?"

"Oh, I've known girls who would do that."

"………"

"What? It's not a big deal. It just crossed my mind that you might have made it up."

"So, are you always this skeptical or have you just dated a lot of liars?"

And then, he delivered the most self-righteous, smug, pretentious line I've ever heard…

"Uh Kendra, I'm a prosecutor – of course I'm a skeptic."

And so because I'm me I looked him dead in the eye and said, "I'm sorry counselor, I didn't realize I was on the stand."

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked away. I didn't. He laughed a little and then explained that he only thought I made it up when I first mentioned it on the phone. He said after a minute or two he knew I wasn't lying because he could her the fear in my voice.

"No one is that good of an actress," he chuckled.

We ate dinner and chatted for a little while after the meal but as far as I was concerned, the date ended there. Though he had the trifecta of good hair, sexy hands and good sense of humor, it was clear that there was no saving that date.

In the spirit of honest writing, I must say that he was a bill paying ninja; I didn't even know he had paid until the waiter brought the check for him to sign. Also, he walked me to my car afterwards which shouldn't seem like a big deal but it is because a lot of guys don't even offer. I can only assume those guys were raised by a pack of wolves.

Needless to say, I won't be seeing the attorney again. I just can't date a smug man…no matter how great his hands are.


*So I eventually did find out what happened that night. Evidently, a couple of kids stole a car and crashed it a few blocks from my house. The cops chased the kids into my neighborhood and after releasing the K-9 unit on their thieving asses, hauled them off to jail. I thought about requesting a police report from the Jefferson County Sherriff's Office to send to the attorney but then I decided it was easier to just write off Captain Skeptismo and share the story you guys.