Who Says You Can't Meet a Nice Guy at a Bar?

Ok, I'm giving the people what they want. Here's the insult story...

A few weekends ago my friend Liz and I had decided to head to Sushi Hai for dinner. After dinner we decided to grab a few drinks so we walked to Three Dogs, a Highlands bar. We actually started out at another bar but after a few minutes we decided we wanted someplace a little more laid back and Three Dogs is definately casual and the crowd is usually pretty fun. Please note my use of the word "usually" in that last sentence.

So we ordered our drinks and no sooner did we step away from the bar when a guy walks up and starts talking. Right away it's clear that he's a few drinks ahead of me but he seems totally harmless. A few minutes later his friend introduces himself to us and starts chatting up Liz. So I'm standing there talking to the first guy (couldn't tell you his name if my life depended on it) and after about two minutes I realize I'm talking to the Self-Involved Guy. In that amount of time he'd told me that he was from Indiana (or was it Iowa?), moved to Denver two years ago after his bitter, bitter divorce and owned his own company. He spent a great deal of time telling me all about the company that he started with his best-friend (the guy talking to Liz). Then, he went on and on about his divorce and how she said she "just had to get out". Then he went back to all the facinating details of his company. By that time, my beer was totally gone because besides the occasional "uh huh" or head nod, I hadn't said a word. He found himself endlessly fasinating and just continued flapping his jaws. Because I'm a perpetual smartass I just kept drinking to keep me from blurting out any remarks that were floating through my head. (Example: When he told me his ex-wife said she "just had to get out", my brain screamed, "I feel her pain.") Anyway, my beer was almost empty and Self-Involved Guy kept getting closer and closer to me, thus blocking my escape to the bar. He could clearly see my beer was empty and he didn't offer to buy me another which I thought was just poor manners because everyone knows if you're going to bore a girl to tears with stories of you, you, YOU, the least you can do is provide liquor to dull her pain. But homeboy was totally oblivious and instead proceeded to push himself against me, grab the hem of my sundress and tell me that my legs looked good. I'd been a good sport up to this point but he was testing my patience. I don't really remember what happened next but he said something and I was unable to stop the smartass remark from leaping out of my mouth. Anyway, he got pretty offended. Rather than taking that opportunity to run like hell, I explained that I was just joking around. He informed me that jokes are supposed to be funny. I countered that it was, in fact, a little funny. He argued that it wasn't even a little funny. And then he said this...

"You're a cute girl. But don't try to be one of those girls who thinks they're funny too. Stick with cute because you're not funny."

The last three words echoed in my head..."YOU'RE NOT FUNNY". I stood there for a moment while I tried to process the fact that this numbnuts just told me I was cute but not funny. In my entire life, I've never been told I wasn't funny. I would have rather heard him say I was ugly but hilarious. It's not like I'm thinking of a career in stand-up but I know I'm witty. I make people laugh all the time. I'm a hoot, damnit. I wanted to take my empty beer bottle and crush it over his self involved skull. I realize I shouldn't give a rats ass what some drunk thinks of me but I like to think that my humor is evident even the most intoxicated individual.

He then informed me that he had to go to the bathroom but that he'd buy me a beer when he got back. There wasn't enough beer at that bar (or the other five on that block) to keep me there. I noticed that Liz was about to impale herself on a pool stick to end the misery of talking to the other guy so I interrupted and told her that I needed to get home. We made a break for the door when I remembered I had to close my tab at the other end of the bar. As I stood there waiting for my credit card, I noticed Self-Involved Guy had returned from the bathroom and was looking for us at the far end of the bar.

I may not have been funny that night but watching his dumb ass look around for me? Now that was a little funny.