When I was a kid, I loved gymnastics. My summer months were filled with swimming, swimming and more swimming but when winter rolled around I was all about leotards and legwarmers, blue mats and cartwheels. My favorite thing about gymnastics was the balance beam. Not only was it the most fun, but it was also the event I did better than almost anyone else. I was never scared up there; four inches seemed like plenty of room for me to do all sorts of tricks. This certainly isn't to imply that I never fell off because I did a lot of falling off but I never remember being nervous to get up and try again. I even broke my toe once on a particularly nasty spill but as soon as they let me, I was back up there again. The more complicated my routines became, the harder I worked.
I was thinking about this the other day while talking to a few friends about how impossible it seems to keep life in balance some days. All three of us are at different places in our lives but none of us seem to have the answers. And after talking with a few more friends about the very same thing, it appears that this whole balance thing is a challenge for nearly everyone. There's a small measure of comfort in this camaraderie, but mostly it just made me wonder if I will ever again enjoy the challenges of balance the way I did as a kid on that beam.
Whether it's balancing work and personal life or family and friends, it always feels too heavily weighted in one direction or the other. There are days when I come home from work so exhausted that I honestly can't imagine one day coming home to a husband and children. I feel a strange guilt admitting this because I fear what people will think of me for saying something that sounds so selfish. But the days when I come home, change in to yoga pants and a sweatshirt and have popcorn and red wine for dinner, the idea of having to include anyone else sounds exhausting. I wonder how some of my friends who have a career and a family balance it all out and some days I think to myself I could never, ever do it. Not because I don't want to but because I fear the idea of having to balance more. Or maybe I don't fear the trying so much as I do the possibility of failure. If I ever get married, I want to be good at it, give it everything. I want to be a good wife, partner and friend to my husband. And if there are children, I want them to know that they are loved and cared for all the time. And in the midst of doing those things for my family, I want to somehow ensure that I don't lose who I am. Because if I've learned anything in my life it's that the only time I'm really good for other people is when I'm really good to myself. But balancing all of that seems like a lot to ask a girl who doesn't even balance her checkbook.
Sometimes I wish I was still as fearless as that little girl in her leotard standing up on the beam. Who, even after a nasty spill and a broken toe, couldn't wait to get back up there and try again.
7 comments:
I hear you. Totally. I have the same difficulties and fears. But I think, strong and intelligent women that we are, that we'll figure it out. That's all we can do in life. Just like you figured out the balance beam.
i have some of the very same feelings. but i would hope that should i ever marry, my husband will appreciate wine and popcorn for dinner. and also chips and salsa.
honestly i think we will adapt. and balance it all.
As someone who was sort of thrown onto the balance beam with no real advance warning, I can tell you, it's not easy. The thing about it is, the kids being happy and feeling loved has less to do with whether you made the perfect dinner or have the house totally clean, and more about just being with them. You have no choice but to give it everything, and there are sacrifices that come with it. But you'll find that eventually, things start to get easier. I, of course, am still waiting for that to happen.
In the meantime, the biggest thing we do at our house is have fun. We dance and are silly and laugh a lot, and I know our kids are happy and know they are loved. I teeter a lot on the balance beam, because there are some things that take precedence no matter what, but in the end, the fun and the love set me right again.
Wow - Don't want to gush but you are a very talented writer KC.
What Amber says is very true. Marriage and kids make the beam narrower and wider at the same time. Don't worry - it all makes sense when you are in the middle of it.
Thanks for the great read. Tom
First of all, I LOVE your writing in this post. Okay, I love your writing in ALL posts, but this one really got me. You are soooo talented.
Secondly, I started a post on almost this very thing last night! (Of course!) I feel 100 percent the same way and I'm struggling with it now too. My mom gave everything to me, at the cost of her own life. I don't want that. But I want to be as great of a mom to my kids as she was to me. I want to be an amazing wife and partner. But I don't just want to support my future husband and children, I want to accomplish and fulfill my own dreams too. But how? How does this all work???
And I hear you on the yoga pants, wine and popcorn for dinner. I don't want to have to include anyone else on that ritual of mine either.
Thank you! I'm 28 and single and (the horror!) NOT looking. If love comes, awesome, but I am not even a little bit desperate for it, much to the confusion of all my friends in relationships as well as my family and coworkers. I changed jobs in April so I'm trying to figure out how to be in charge for the first time in my life, I'm going back to school in January, and it's winter. All I want to do when I get home is curl up under my electric blanket with my dog, a good book or movie, and a cup of cocoa. I am proud that I've become independent, fight for my goals and dreams, and do what is right for me even if I'm a minority. I think kids are cute and all but I keep telling people that just because they are cute doesn't mean I should bring one home with me (this also applies to pets and boys). With all the volunteering, traveling, and career plans I have I wonder if I'll ever be able to balance them with a husband and kids. I'm glad I'm not the only one!
You are aware of your fears. That doesn't make you selfish at all.
You are a very talented writer. The more I read, the more I want to read.
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