Unspoken II

It's been a while since I've done this but it felt like it was time to do it again.

List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once.

I don't think much about you anymore. This is a huge change because I used to spend all of my time thinking about you and the life we could have had together. One day it occurred to me that I was so busy thinking of the life that I didn't have, that I was kind of missing out on the life I actually did have. And that's just a waste of a great life. Had we not ended, I would have missed out on trips with friends, a career that involved a lot of travel, living by myself, several tremendous kisses and countless other adventures. I have no regrets about our relationship...or the fact that it ended.

Isn't it exhausting constantly keeping score? Aren't you tired of being angry? You can't change the past; it's there to stay. I hope you realize that you have total control of your future. Take a deep breath and just let go.

You could teach seminars on how to be a true friend. I trust you with the keys to my house, the brown dog, and secrets on my cold kitchen floor. You've got a heart of gold. And that heart is held within a body that looks like it belongs to a leggy, exotic, super model. If I didn't adore you so much I'd have to hate you.

I never thought things with you and I would end up where they are now. But when we were driving back from the bbq last night and laughing so hard that we had to pull over for a minute I thought to myself, "This is so much better than anything I could have imagined." Thank you for telling me the brutal truth when I don't want to hear it; for bringing me DVD's to cheer me up; for opening jars of salsa with your giant bear paws; for dropping everything to meet me for a drink; and for noticing my new black dress and telling me I look pretty in it. I can't wait for Jackson Hole.

I don't know what happened to you. I don't know why you stopped talking to me. I don't know what I did to have you cut me out of your life completely. What I do know? With a little distance from you I realized this: I'm a much happier person without you in my life.

You give women a bad name. You manipulate, deceive, connive, and cry when it suits your purposes. Instead of plotting ways to get his money, why not get off your ass and find ways to make your own. Oh, and I know about the email. What I don't know is how you sleep at night.

I'm not sure which part I found sexier about you - your wicked sense of humor, the way you danced to "Gin & Juice" at that dive or the fistful of cash you handed the homeless guy when you thought no one was looking. Quick wit + rhythm + compassion = me all hot and bothered. I'd share a pretzel with you any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Some days I still can't believe you're gone. What I realize now is that you never really get over it, you just get used to it. I don't expect to see you places anymore but I still can't bring myself to remove your numbers from my phone. I don't know if I ever will. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you so much and live my days in a big way just for you.

I wish we were in college again. I wish we still lived in the Brown & Mode. I wish we still had Twice Baked nights with everyone. I miss going to the Jay and shacker lights and having four other closets to rummage through when I had nothing to wear. I miss giggling about hook-ups the morning after and planning for date parties. Sometimes I wish we were all 21 and broke and living under the same roof again because those were some of the best times of my life.

You know what a girl really likes? When some fool demands that she shares past break-up stories because you think that will give you insight into her. When you try to push that door open, I'll slam it shut every single time. Oh, and here's a tip: Never utter the phrase "Tell me about your hurt" unless you're prepared to be known by all of her friends as the pansy-ass guy who said, "Tell me about your hurt". Seriously.