If it's not one thing, it's your Mother

The following is an actual conversation while at dinner with my mom:

Mom: What looks good?
Me: The Cobb salad or the grilled salmon.
Mom: Grilled salmon? Wow, I never see you eat fish. Do they put butter on it?
Me: Don’t know.
Mom: Well it’s not that low in fat if there’s butter. If you get the salad, you should get the dressing on the side. They always put on too much dressing.
Me: ***in an effort to change the subject*** Hey, I’m supposed to get my tax return next week.
Mom: Really? That’s great dear! You must have filed early. What are you going to do with your money?
Me: ***pissed that I set myself up to have a financial discussion*** Oh, I’m not really sure yet. Probably put some towards my car, pay for my vacation and then put some aside for a down payment on a new house.
Mom: How soon are you thinking of moving? Because you really should have a 5 year plan. Do you have a five year plan? It’s a great way to set your goals and work towards them. You should list out the top five things you want in the next five years. What are your five things?
Me: Mom, I’m still trying to decide between salmon or salad and you want a five year plan?
Mom: **with increasing enthusiasm**Do you have paper? We can write down your five year plan!
Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Me: I’ll have a five year plan.
Mom: I want the Southwestern chicken salad the chicken’s not breaded right? oh good, no breading I’d like the dressing and the cheese on the side and I’d also like a side of salsa and you said that chicken’s not breaded right? (It really was all run together like that)
Waiter: Uh, ok.
Me: Does the salmon have butter on it?
Waiter: Yeah, I think a little bit.
Me: Ok, can I get the salmon with a big side of butter? And if you could deep fry the side of asparagus, that would be great.
Mom: Oh but honey, the butter just ruins it.
Waiter: **clearly confused** I don’t think we deep fry the asparagus but I can ask.