Three's A Crowd

I had lunch today with a friend of mine who was in from out of town. We see each other a handful of times throughout the year but I wouldn’t say it’s on a regular basis or anything. When we chatted last week, he suggested we grab lunch today and “catch up on things”.

I had no idea that three of us were going to lunch – me, out-of-town-lunch-date and his Blackberry.

We were at lunch for just over an hour and during that time there were 9 phone calls, 5 of which, he answered. There were double-digit emails. I know this because the Blackberry was set to vibrate and so he’s glace down every time it went off. After call three and email, oh let’s call it roughly seven, I asked if I should let him and the ‘berry dine alone. He laughed, apologized and swore he was done. As we looked at the menu, the phone went off again and he said he had to answer it. Our waitress came over to get our order and he gave her the finger. No, not that finger. The “I’m-on-an-important-call-so-no-I-can’t-order-right-now” index finger while talking into his C3PO headset. Mortified, I apologized and asked her to give us a few more minutes.

“Sorry about that but my friend is trying to get tickets to the Pistons v. Heat game.” he said while glancing at the menu.
“Oh, do you have tickets?” I asked, faking interest.
“No, but my ex-wife’s sister is Alonzo Mourning’s daughter’s godmother?” he replied.
“Huh?” was all I could muster.
“So she was going to try to get the tickets.” he answered like I should have known that the godmother could get the tickets.

Once we decided what we were going to have, Pleasant & Patient Waitress returned. “Can I take your order?” PPW asked with hopeful eyes. By this time I was hungry and REAL ready to order when lo and behold…

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

“I’ll just be a minute” he said while fumbling with the ‘berry.

PPW looked at me unsure of whether she should stay or leave. He launched into what seemed to be a serious phone call so I asked her to come back in a moment because the lunch crowd was getting thick. The moment she walked away he stopped her to order. Without launching into unnecessary detail, I will simply say his order was reminiscent of Meg Ryan in ‘When Harry Met Sally’.

After he ordered he promised that the ‘berry would be ignored the rest of the meal. Unless his boss called…Or his big account…Or this one business associate…Or the Godmother with the tickets.

As they brought out our soup, we chatted about work and relationships and other normal chatting topics. At one point, he mentioned that he wanted a woman who gave him peace of mind. Curious, I asked what he meant by that. He said he just “wanted someone without drama…just a little peace and quiet”.

About this time, our entrees arrived and rather than making some smart-ass retort to the ‘peace of mind’ crap, I simply ate. During the entrees the ‘berry continued to buzz and ring. He would answer some calls or say, “I just want to check this email real quick.”

I spent most of the meal sitting silently or reading the Chinese zodiac placemats. (Sidebar: I’m a Dragon who should marry late in life…well on my way.)

In between emails and phone calls and messages from the Mother Ship, he kept going on about his quest for ‘peace of mind’.

“I don’t want all the drama”, he muttered, “I just want some peace.”

And as Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama” played in my head I laughed.

“What?”
“You may have to give peace a chance.” I said as I pointed to the electronic shackle.
“What do you mean?” he asked, truly confused.
“I mean that you may have drama with women because your head’s always attached to that thing. Most women enjoy a meal with fewer interruptions.”
“See, that’s exactly what I mean! Women get upset about that stuff but this is about my job!” He was getting fired up at this point.
“Hmmmm, was the Godmother/Ticket Broker a business call?” I asked while I raised my left eyebrow noticeably higher than my right.
“That’s not the point. The point is that women get high maintenance about that stuff and it drives me nuts”, he argued as he pushed his tailor-made fried rice around the plate.

I nodded a little as I decided trying to make my point would just be a waste of good oxygen.

As he paid the check, it started to buzz again. “I’m just going to take this call…”, he trailed off.

As I munched my fortune cookie it occurred to me that he couldn’t have a "high maintenance woman" because he was already in the highest maintenance relationship there is –the one with his Blackberry. He wants a relationship with a woman that is full of peace and quiet so it doesn't interfer with his affair with the 'berry. 'Cause that Blackberry is a jealous mistress...