The uncertainty shows itself in a different way.
As I got on the treadmill this morning, I prayed that the music gods would bless me. I may be the only person on the planet without an iPod and therefore, must rely on the whims of local dj’s here in Denver. I was jogging (at best) when the Foo Fighters, “Best of You” came on the radio. Soon, I found myself running. Not just a normal run for me, but an all out ass-hauling sprint. The more I listened to the words, the more I realized I was trying to outrun the fear.
Is someone getting the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you’d die to heal
The hope that starts the broken heart
Your trust? You must confess
Is someone getting the best of you?
What if the others had already gotten the best of me? What if the bulk of my trust had been swallowed whole when M. was unfaithful? What if my openness was now locked up tight because J. threw secrets back in my face during the break-up? What if I always keep people at a safe distance because I let myself get so close to C. only to be put on the back burner for a job?
I can be outgoing and funny. I can flirt and be sweet. I can be supportive and loving. But I wondered if I already gave the best I had. When you still have a sense of innocence, it’s easy to give everything, because there’s nothing to fear. But as time goes on and you experience a few heartbreaks, the fear creeps up. At least it has for me.
Fear does strange things to people and I’ve seen it work its’ magic on me a time or two. I will be the first to admit I’ve done and said outlandish things while in relationships. All of which I thought I was able to justify because of the hurt I’ve experienced in the past. I remember laying in the dark with C. one night having a conversation about my need to protect myself.
“I know there have been times I’ve deliberately sabotaged things in relationships.” I said quietly.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because it’s easier than waiting for things to fall apart.” I whispered.
“Well maybe I won’t let you sabotage this.”
And with that he gave me a kiss on my forehead and closed his eyes. The conversation was over. I often replayed that conversation in my head near the end of our relationship and wondered if I had found a way to sabotage things with us. But with times comes clarity and I realize now that I didn’t sabotage anything. We just weren’t right.
I don’t want to be one of “those girls”. You know, the girls who take no responsibility for failed relationships but rather blame their issues on ghosts of the past. I don’t want to be the girl who expects the next guy to heal the wounds inflicted by those who came before him. And I certainly don’t want to be the girl who punishes the next guy I date because of what’s happened in my past.
So I made a decision after my run. As I was weezing my way back down to a normal heart rate I decided this: I will go into my next relationship more like the girl I was 10 years ago – open, trusting and not looking for all the ways I could get hurt. I will be myself and not a watered down version because that seems safer. I will get all the idiosyncrasies out in the open. I will look back at my past relationships with gratitude for all that I learned from each of them.
The best is yet to come.
6 comments:
It's an excellent plan. Take heart that when you do find him, you won't need a strategy or feel the need to hide yourself or your feelings. Things come easier when it's the right one. It's a cliche BECAUSE it's true.
Look at that smug married statement. Sorry about that. If it's any consolation, I'm not allowed to get married. :)
Excuse me, but I put my terrified-of-flying ass on a plane roughly 5 weeks after 9/11 to go to your wedding. I don't care what anyone says, you're married. :) I had the hangover to prove that a Napa wedding had taken place!
P.S. Thanks for the words of encouragment!
I have the same concerns sometimes. I think you're right. Thanks for the inspiration.
Oh, and not liking chocolate? I'm shocked as I just gorged myself on it.
I believe inherantly, that we always retain the capacity to love, but whether we are strong enough ourselves or trusting enough of others to extend the strings of our hearts outwards again, hard to say. You have my sincerest wish for your own happiness.
Thank you so much for your comments on my blog. I appreciate them so very much.
I loved this post, Kendra. It was so open, honest and real. I can relate so well. I think that's an excellent plan, I suppose if we're not open to all that love can bring - including the hurt - than we're closing ourselves off to the happiness, too.
But what's so inspiring about your post, is the optimism despite all the past pain. I feel that way, too. Even through the hurt and heartache, I know love is out there, and when it's the right person, it's going to feel like we're home. And I can't wait for that.
Thanks for sharing this. :)
Cheryl - Just never got a taste for chocolate. I know, it's odd. My mother is certain I'm not her child as she LOVES chocolate.
Ari - I think I love getting your comments on my blog as much as I love reading your blog. Thank you for your kind words.
Marissa - "I know love is out there, and when it's the right person, it's going to feel like we're home." Just when I think I've written a good post, you come up with a gem like that. Thank you for always being so sweet and supportive of me. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.
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