Back in the Saddle Again...kinda

There's a shoebox on the very top shelf of my closet. The box contains the little mementos of my last significant relationship: photos, movie stubs, concert tickets, a watch, a small piece of ribbon, a matchbook, cards from flower deliveries, bathsalts from a B&B, a homemade cd and a few other things that would have no value to anyone.

I was looking for a scarf today when I came across the box. I never really forgot it was there, but I hadn’t looked in it in quite a while. For whatever reason, I pulled it down and sat on the floor of my closet. I opened the box and everything was there just as I’d remembered. As I looked through the remains of the relationship that I thought was the relationship, I saw it all with different eyes. I looked at my favorite picture of us – the one of us at my family’s cabin – and I thought about how good we looked together. And then it sort of occurred to me that we looked good together on paper. Literally, on that Kodak paper, we looked fantastic. But that photo wasn’t exactly representative of our whole relationship. There were fights and tears and words that could never be taken back. There was resentment and a lack of trust. Looking at that picture though, one would never have any idea. In that photo we were perfect. In real life we weren't exactly picture perfect and when it ended it hurt like nothing ever had before.

I think I’m just now realizing how much I shut down after we broke up. I guess I didn’t shut down in all areas of my life because I’ve gotten three promotions since we broke up in 2004. I’ve gone out and partied, traveled with friends and met other men. But when it came to actually being open to a real relationship, I was totally closed off. (Here’s where my girls are shouting, “Well no shit!” at their computer screens. In fact, look here for an amusing drawing by Amber on my feelings towards dating. Go ahead, I’ll wait for you.)

So back to me being closed off…um yeah, I totally was. And the 'word geeks' out there (namely Beth, Cheryl and Ambo) are noting that I’m speaking in past tense. That’s because I’m actually going to make an effort to “get back out there”. I figure if I say that here, I’ll have to do it because you guys will keep me honest. Oh, and in the spirit of honesty, I’ll let you know that I'm getting back out there starting this week. Plans have been made and we'll see how it goes.

So wish me luck as I head back out on the dating scene. If nothing else, it could make for some pretty entertaining stories for me to tell. Amber can illustrate because she can make all of my relationships look good (read: funny)...on paper.