Do you like run-on sentences and pickles? Then, oh boy, do I have a story for you!

I was totally craving a BLT for dinner tonight because as everyone knows, there simply isn't a better summer dinner than a BLT. Anyhoo, I was driving home and remembered that a few nights ago I'd gone on a bender with the mini kosher dill pickles and there were none at the house. This poses a problem because everyone knows that you can't have a BLT without a mini kosher dill....or eleven. Sooooo, I stopped by my neighborhood Safeway to secure the mkd's. I walked in and headed back to the refridgerated section where they keep the little guys. Normally, I don't care for the grocery store right after work because there are always a million people there and I am a grouchy old woman who doesn't like people, evidently. But I digress. Ok, so I grab the jar off the shelf and head toward the express lane. I'm about half way down the aisle when I notice several people with stuffed carts blocking the whole aisle. One guy is examining the frozen pizzas quite closely while another is stocking up on Hungry Man dinners. And just past those two was the lady who was driving her cart while trying to read the ads while asking her husband if they needed more Toaster Struedels. And so the three of them have their carts parked all caddywompass leaving no room for me to pass. See why I avoid the grocery store at this time of day? Again, I digress. Ok, so I politely say excuse me hoping one of them will move a cart just a smidgen and nobody even looks at me. I try again and still nothing. Here's the thing - keeping me from a meal is just plain dumb. You know those girls who are all, "Oh my gosh, it's 10pm and I totally forgot to eat today!" - well I am not one of them. In general, I eat about every three hours and I like it. So yes, being the party responsible for delaying my dinner is not good. But being the party responsible for keeping me from bacon? So bad. Oh look at that! I'm digressing again. Ok, so after asking politely not once but twice without so much as a glace in my general direction, I'm in a tiny huff. I turn on my heels and begin to head the other direction when I feel the jar slip. (Now, I'll need you all to use your imaginations for this next part because it all happened in slow motion.) I feel the jar slipping out of my left hand so I try to grab it with my right hand. In doing so, I manage to bobble it in the air for a minute before trying again with my left hand. When my left hand comes up it only manages to grab a tiny bit of the lid with my ring and pinky fingers. Neither of these two fingers gets the workout the middle finger does during rush hour so they're kind of weak and thus, both fingers fail me and the jar goes up in the air again. Like one of those fat ballerina elephants with the pink tutu in the cartoons (anyone with me at this point?) it floats through the air for a moment before hitting the egde of the cooler and crashing to the ground. It hit with more force than I expected and that jar exploded like it had some C4 strapped to it. (For the record, I don't know exactly what C4 is but I think I remembered Jack Bauer talking about it in an episode of "24" so I'm going with it.) I stand there for a minute with my purse tangling from my arm and my hand still up kinda up in the air and my mouth gaping open. All three inconsiderate shoppers are now looking at me because you can bet your sweet ass they're aware of me now. So Mr. Hungry Man comes over and says, "Uh, what happened?" And I looked up from the shards of broken glass and mini dills and say, "I dropped my pickels." He and the other two shoppers just kind of nodded their heads. I'm not sure why but suddenly, this whole scene was the funniest thing in the whole wide world and I just start cracking up. And I can't stop. I start to pick up a few pieces of glass but I'm laughing so hard, I don't make much progress. A guy from the meat department comes over and tells me to leave it, that someone will be over soon with a broom and a mop. And then I ask him if they're going to get on the loud speaker and say, "We got a wet clean-up in aisle 4! Repeat, a wet clean up in aisle 4!" He just kind of looks at me as I giggle at my own joke and informed me that he wouldn't need to do that because they were already on their way. So in between all the laughing I apologize for the mess. Pretty soon some kid comes over and starts to clean it up and he puts up this little "Wet Floor" sign that has a little cartoon character slipping and falling on it and this puts me over the edge. I'm laughing so hard at this point, I have tears coming down my cheeks. And every time I try to stiffle the laughter, it gets worse. So a minute later the manager comes over and asks if I cut myself at all. I tell him no, that I'm fine. He asks if I have any other shopping to do. I tell him no, just need the pickles. Saying "just need the pickles" makes me laugh again and I notice that several rubber-neckers are now peering down the aisle to see the crazy lady laughing at the broken pickle jar. The manager tries to hand me another jar and I just start laughing again. I apologize again, walk past the gawkers and head straight out the door. Laughing my ass off the entire way. Clearly, I'll never be able to show my face in that Safeway again but I still had a little unfinished business to tend to. I made a bee-line for King Soopers and got myself some mini dills. You didn't actually think I'd just go home to a BLT and no pickles, did you? Do you not know me but at all?