In A Pinch

Things I did today that sucked:
Got a flu shot
Rolled my ankle in my cute new Mary Janes
Had a fitness assessment wherein my body fat was measured with tong-like device.

Things I did today that did not suck:
Lots of progress on work project
More sit-ups and push-ups than I thought possible during aforementioned fitness test
Made a delicious dinner of tenderloin, couscous/spinach/feta/pine nut stuffed tomatoes, roasted new potatoes.
Watched "Glee"

I guess it's not a horrible day if the "did not suck" list is longer than the "suck" list.

The fitness assessment was interesting because I thought I would rock the cardio part and then be shameful at the strength test. I was wrong. Apparently I am rather strong when compared to other girls my age. (Sidebar: I still think of myself as a girl. I originally typed "other women my age" rather that "girls" but I just giggled and erased it as it just made me sound old and I'm young and vivacious, damnit.) Anywho, I did well on strength and flexibility; however, my cardio was not as fantabulous as I thought it would be. And the body fat measurements? OH. DEAR. LORD. I knew it would be a little embarrassing because the trainer said I'd have to be shirtless (but in a sports bra as I am no gym floozy). I'm not the girl at the gym who runs around in her sports bra; I try to keep the girls covered up so having them covered with only a layer of lycra/spandex blend was daunting. So there I stood in my yoga pants and my sports bra, wishing I had managed to keep a little bit of summer tan but realizing that sadly, I had not, and just looked white and squishy. The trainer grabs the back of my arm and begins to measure. And it's not just a little squeeze but a full-on pinch. I yelped a little and she apologized saying that it might "get a little uncomfortable". Yeah, because I wasn't uncomfortable standing under unforgiving fluorescent lighting in my sports bra while you stand there with your fit, trim body taking notes on all the ways my body is neither fit nor trim. Go ahead and add injury to insult and grab my thigh with those forsaken pliers. And then squeeze really hard. And then maybe you could spit in my eye just to round out the hurt and humiliation. After that was the treadmill test where they see how quickly you can walk 1 mile. Speed walking is not my bag, baby. If my legs are going that fast, let's just get our run on, shall we? Trainer put the kibosh on running. Just walk as fast as you can do 1 mile. So I did. And my legs were killing me because I ran yesterday. And I ran hard yesterday. So though walking 1 mile doesn't sound that difficult, it wasn't a whole lot of fun and I didn't do all that well. Cue the shame. Who can't walk 1 mile quickly? I can run a mile, no problem. But walk it as fast as possible without your heart leaping out of your chest? Sucktastic.*sigh* After that I had to do the flexibility test which I did really well at and regained a tiny shred of self-respect. The last part was what I was dreading the most - strength test. Push-ups and crunches. And I couldn't believe it but I did quite a few of each. So the trainer took all of the info and put it into some computer and came back with a 7 page breakdown which basically said that I have great flexibility and strength and not-so-great aerobic fitness and body composition. So basically I'm strong and bendy...and also fluffy and out of breath. Swell. I take the same test again in three months and I guarantee the results will improve. If I'm going to have my flesh violently pinched again there is for-effing-sure going to be less of it.

Thank the good lord that my dinner was so yummy (and rather healthy) and "Glee" was so glorious. Nearly made me forget about the welts all over my fluff-tastic body.

Amazing Grace

I walked into a male coworkers office this morning to chat about a project. After about two minutes the following occured...

Coworker: "Um, ok, not that I'm looking but...um...well...your zipper is down."

KC: *gasp* "Oh!" Glace down to find my zipper TOTALLY undone. So down that it was possible to see the color of my undies. *zip accompanied by nervous laughter* "Ha, ha. Well that's embarassing."

Coworker: "I didn't want to embarass you but I couldn't let you walk around like that. And I'd want you to do the same for me."

We finished our conversation but the whole time I just kept thinking, "I just flashed my coworker. I just flashed my coworker. I just flashed my coworker. I just flashed my coworker."

And then, just moments ago, I was enjoying some Blueberry yogurt while reading a report when a nice sized dollop fell and landed right on my white button down shirt. And some even fell into my cleavage. It was pretty chilly so I sort of gasped. A woman on my team walked in after hearing said gasp and just cracked up. We were laughing so hard we were both in tears. I managed to get most of it off thanks to the assistance of some paper towels and Shout wipes which I always have close by for just such emergencies.

I'm not surprised any of this happened because these things happen to me all the time. I'm actually surprised it took this long for my new team to see the real me. I've been here for two weeks before making a total ass of myself. So basically for half of a month, they were all under the impression I was cool and collected. That's all over now. Ah well, it was good while it lasted. *sigh*

Do you like run-on sentences and pickles? Then, oh boy, do I have a story for you!

I was totally craving a BLT for dinner tonight because as everyone knows, there simply isn't a better summer dinner than a BLT. Anyhoo, I was driving home and remembered that a few nights ago I'd gone on a bender with the mini kosher dill pickles and there were none at the house. This poses a problem because everyone knows that you can't have a BLT without a mini kosher dill....or eleven. Sooooo, I stopped by my neighborhood Safeway to secure the mkd's. I walked in and headed back to the refridgerated section where they keep the little guys. Normally, I don't care for the grocery store right after work because there are always a million people there and I am a grouchy old woman who doesn't like people, evidently. But I digress. Ok, so I grab the jar off the shelf and head toward the express lane. I'm about half way down the aisle when I notice several people with stuffed carts blocking the whole aisle. One guy is examining the frozen pizzas quite closely while another is stocking up on Hungry Man dinners. And just past those two was the lady who was driving her cart while trying to read the ads while asking her husband if they needed more Toaster Struedels. And so the three of them have their carts parked all caddywompass leaving no room for me to pass. See why I avoid the grocery store at this time of day? Again, I digress. Ok, so I politely say excuse me hoping one of them will move a cart just a smidgen and nobody even looks at me. I try again and still nothing. Here's the thing - keeping me from a meal is just plain dumb. You know those girls who are all, "Oh my gosh, it's 10pm and I totally forgot to eat today!" - well I am not one of them. In general, I eat about every three hours and I like it. So yes, being the party responsible for delaying my dinner is not good. But being the party responsible for keeping me from bacon? So bad. Oh look at that! I'm digressing again. Ok, so after asking politely not once but twice without so much as a glace in my general direction, I'm in a tiny huff. I turn on my heels and begin to head the other direction when I feel the jar slip. (Now, I'll need you all to use your imaginations for this next part because it all happened in slow motion.) I feel the jar slipping out of my left hand so I try to grab it with my right hand. In doing so, I manage to bobble it in the air for a minute before trying again with my left hand. When my left hand comes up it only manages to grab a tiny bit of the lid with my ring and pinky fingers. Neither of these two fingers gets the workout the middle finger does during rush hour so they're kind of weak and thus, both fingers fail me and the jar goes up in the air again. Like one of those fat ballerina elephants with the pink tutu in the cartoons (anyone with me at this point?) it floats through the air for a moment before hitting the egde of the cooler and crashing to the ground. It hit with more force than I expected and that jar exploded like it had some C4 strapped to it. (For the record, I don't know exactly what C4 is but I think I remembered Jack Bauer talking about it in an episode of "24" so I'm going with it.) I stand there for a minute with my purse tangling from my arm and my hand still up kinda up in the air and my mouth gaping open. All three inconsiderate shoppers are now looking at me because you can bet your sweet ass they're aware of me now. So Mr. Hungry Man comes over and says, "Uh, what happened?" And I looked up from the shards of broken glass and mini dills and say, "I dropped my pickels." He and the other two shoppers just kind of nodded their heads. I'm not sure why but suddenly, this whole scene was the funniest thing in the whole wide world and I just start cracking up. And I can't stop. I start to pick up a few pieces of glass but I'm laughing so hard, I don't make much progress. A guy from the meat department comes over and tells me to leave it, that someone will be over soon with a broom and a mop. And then I ask him if they're going to get on the loud speaker and say, "We got a wet clean-up in aisle 4! Repeat, a wet clean up in aisle 4!" He just kind of looks at me as I giggle at my own joke and informed me that he wouldn't need to do that because they were already on their way. So in between all the laughing I apologize for the mess. Pretty soon some kid comes over and starts to clean it up and he puts up this little "Wet Floor" sign that has a little cartoon character slipping and falling on it and this puts me over the edge. I'm laughing so hard at this point, I have tears coming down my cheeks. And every time I try to stiffle the laughter, it gets worse. So a minute later the manager comes over and asks if I cut myself at all. I tell him no, that I'm fine. He asks if I have any other shopping to do. I tell him no, just need the pickles. Saying "just need the pickles" makes me laugh again and I notice that several rubber-neckers are now peering down the aisle to see the crazy lady laughing at the broken pickle jar. The manager tries to hand me another jar and I just start laughing again. I apologize again, walk past the gawkers and head straight out the door. Laughing my ass off the entire way. Clearly, I'll never be able to show my face in that Safeway again but I still had a little unfinished business to tend to. I made a bee-line for King Soopers and got myself some mini dills. You didn't actually think I'd just go home to a BLT and no pickles, did you? Do you not know me but at all?

Day Off

I decided to take the rest of the week off and I have to tell you, I'm really enjoying not going to work. So far today I've taken Barley for a run, drank some coffee and watched an episode of The Office. (Sidebar: If someone like Jim from The Office worked at my office, I'm sure I'd be at work today.) I'm meeting a friend for lunch at The Imperial in a little while and then meeting my sister, Kelsey, for an afternoon of shopping. Later, I'm having dinner with my cousins at The Brew Bar for some green chili and margaritas. Basically, my day is going to be perfect.

Truth be told, there has been one tiny downside to my day. Since yesterday was a holiday, I didn't think the trash collectors were coming today because they always come a day later after a holiday. So I was sitting on my couch having a cup of coffee and watching the Today show when I heard them pull up outside. I didn't want the trash to sit for a week so despite the fact that I was in pj bottoms and a wife beater I ran to the garage and pulled the trash cans to the curb just in time. The guy kind of laughed at me and I figured it was because I was in my pjs. When I got back in the house I went into the bathroom to wash my hands and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Not only was I in my pjs but I also had an eye-popping case of bed head and, AND a lovely dollop of zit cream on my cheek. And I wonder why I sleep alone. *sigh*

But back to the good stuff. The last few days have been pretty nice as well. Tuesday night my friend Kerry had a bbq and as soon as we finished eating, the huge park near her house started their firework show. So we grabbed our drinks and moved from the patio to the lawn chairs for the show. Yesterday Mike and Rosie had a bbq where I consumed several margaritas that damn near knocked me on my ass. I'm pretty sure Mike used 1 part marg mix, 220 parts tequila. Good times. I got home last night just in time to sit on my couch and watch the fireworks go off at the lake across the street from my house...just had to open up the french doors. I'm quite certain I've taken firework gazing to new levels of laziness.

In other news, I finally spoke to Meghan yesterday after a wicked game of phone tag that lasted several weeks. We've been trying to nail down a weekend for us to come out and see what PA. has to offer but it's been a nightmare as we are all terribly popular and haven't been able to find one that works for everyone. But I do believe we settled on a weekend in October so we'll be rocking York like....um....the Amish, I suppose. It's too late in the year to catch an Orioles game (yes, I actually do think about vacations in terms of what ballparks I can see) but it should be fun to see the fall colors. I know Meghan will have an itinerary o' fun for us because Meghan is basically a cruise director just screaming to get out. I'm just excited to have another trip in the works because besides Chicago in August, I didn't have anything else planned and that is so unlike me.

Well, it's about time for me to get back to my vacation. But since I'll probably have some time to write in the next few days, tell me what you want to hear about...
1) The way the animal kingdom has been ganging up on me as of late.
or
2) The biggest insult of my life I recently got from some tool at a bar.

Cast your votes now.