Solo

Some girls aren't good at it but I am. I don't mean to sound full of myself but I know I can hold my own with the best of them. But even those of us who excel at it can have an off night...

It was almost 11pm last night when I put down the book, turned off the bedside lamp and snuggled into bed. It was raining lightly and I had opened the windows and turned off the A/C. I had just dozed off when my entire bedroom lit up. I opened my eyes and my room was dark again but a split second later the thunder rattled my entire house. Barley jumped out of his bed and paced the floor. A second after that, another enormous bolt of lightning and deafening thunder. And it went on and on. I closed the windows but that didn't help much. Though I usually love thunderstorms, I couldn't seem to find any affection for the one rumbling around my neighborhood last night. I realize how lame I'm about to sound but it actually scared the shit out of me. It got so bad that I broke one of my cardinal rules - I let Barley sleep in bed with me. Well aware that he is not allowed on my bed, it took several minutes to convince him that it was ok to jump up and join me. And even after several, "It's ok buddy" comments he still sat at the edge looking rather uncomfortable like he was expecting to get the boot at any moment. I reached over and scratched behind his ear, thankful that he was close by.

That's the thing about me - I'm usually good at being alone. I know people who can't be alone, who always have to have someone, anyone, in their lives. Those are the people who can't sleep alone either. But that's never been me. Sure, after my big break-up a few years ago, the sleeping alone thing took some getting used to. But after a few months, I no longer had a "side of the bed" and these days I relish taking up as much space as possible, sleeping diagonally across the bed. I guess that's what made last night so hard. I desperately wanted to have someone next to me. I wanted to be able to curl up and bury my head in his chest. And it would be ok if he made fun of me a bit for being such a wimp so long as he was doing it while his arms were wrapped around me. To make matters worse, I wasn't even wanting a specific "he" to be there because there is no specific "he" at this specific time. And just typing all of this makes me want to vomit a little because it seems so weak and pathetic and sad.

And I'm looking out the window right now at more dark clouds closing in and I think to myself, I don't want another night of this. And if you asked me if I meant the storms or being alone, I'd answer yes.