What We Take With Us

I miss my uncle.

There are times when my family will all be together and for a split second I'll think, "When is Uncle Brad getting here?" Then I'll remember and for a moment I'll be angry, feeling as though my brain played some cruel joke on me in letting me forget – even for a second - that he was gone. Because I've never forgotten that he died. I think about him every, single day. I miss him every, single day.

It sounds strange but it took me a while to grieve for my uncle. The day he died I stood in the hallway of the hospital looking at my devastated family and I did the only thing I know how to do in those situations – avoid all emotion and take action. I took over a lot of the funeral arrangements and threw all of my energy into planning and preparation. I wanted to make sure that the service was a perfect tribute for this man who I adored so much. All of the planning left very little time for dealing with the reality of the situation. A few weeks later, I was having a conversation with someone at work when I made the comment, "My uncle was the same way." It occurred to me that I had referred to him in past tense and it hit me that he was really gone. I walked into the bathroom and cried so hard I threw up.

It's been a year and a half since he died but there are days when the pain feels as raw as ever. Seeing my cousins have major life events without their dad is heartbreaking. Holding the grandson he never got to meet was crushing because I know he would have been a fantastic grandfather. I feel the void at every family event that doesn't include his sense of humor and laughter.

I hate the fact that I can't run things by him anymore. I hate that he hasn't been able to see all of the positive changes I've made in my life. I miss hearing him tell me how proud he is of me. I miss hugging him. It kills me that he'll never know the man I marry or be around when I have children.

It would be easy to get bitter and angry and feel cheated by the fact that I didn't get more time with him. But that wouldn't do anything but leave me bitter and angry and I don't wear those well. So lately, I've tried hard not to look at it as though I lost him, but think more about what I gained from him. I'm so grateful for the time I had with him and for the impact he had on me. He taught me so much about life - to always put family first; to believe in people when they can't believe in themselves; that street smarts are as important as book smarts; that a quick sense of humor is priceless; that mistakes are ok and that every day is a another chance to do the right thing.

I will always miss my Uncle Brad. But what a lucky girl I am for all the things he left me with.