So March was tough.
Ok, I’m not one for sugar-coating things – March kicked my ass. I’ve never been so happy for a month to be over. The last four weeks have been more trying than the last four years. The funny thing is, March started so well. The calm before the storm, I guess.
I was strapped to an EKG machine a week ago today. I watched the monitor as it monitored my heart. I didn’t really know what I was looking at but I was just happy to see that the lines and waves appeared consistent. I needed some fucking consistency.
The doctor reviewed the notes the nurse had made when I was admitted to the ER.
“It says here that you haven’t been sleeping much.”
I nodded my head and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to cry again but I could feel the tears building.
“I only slept about 45 minutes last night.” My voice broke at the end of the sentence and I took a deep breath.
“That’s got to change. What else is going on?”
When he asked the question I didn’t even know where to begin. It seemed like everything was a bit off. Family, work, home, Mr. Normal – it was all messy.
Before I could even begin to offer any details, the nurse came in. The doctor handed her my chart and told me he would be back when my test results were completed.
The nurse and I chatted for a few minutes about my lack of sleep and the stress I’d been dealing with (or not dealing with, depending on how you look at it). I felt like such a loser for spilling my guts to this poor nurse who probably just came in to check my blood pressure.
“It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now” she said as she handed me the Kleenex.
“If it was just one thing, I could handle it. It just seems like everything happened at once and I don’t think I’m dealing with it very well.”
She patted my hand and smiled at me. “I’ll be back in a little while to check on you. In the meantime, just try to relax. Is there anyone I can call for you?”
I shook my head and muttered a quiet “No thanks”.
As soon as she left I started to cry. I was terrified of what was happening. I was scared of the sound of the heart monitor and I was scared of the IV the nurse had started in my left arm. Mostly though, I was scared that I had let myself get to this place. And honestly, I was scared that when the nurse asked if she could call someone for me, I said no.
I tend to isolate myself when things get really bad. I might discuss one issue with someone but very rarely do I talk about everything. I don’t do it intentionally; sometimes I just can’t find the words. I don’t want people to think I’m weak and I don’t want to bother anyone.
The worst part is that I know there are people in my life who would drop everything to be there for me. I’m acutely aware of how lucky I am to be able to say that and yet when I’m really scared, I choose to be alone.
I'm sure it would be easier to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm if I let someone help me...I just don't know why I can't seem to do that.
13 comments:
i hear ya, unless it's your alter ego on the other end of the phone. Heading to the gym then the park - long long talk tonight. mwah!
Oh' and i'm letting the door hit march on the ass as it leaves.
Tell the truth -- it was the h.s. being torn down that was the icing on the cake, wasn't it? (Not meaning to make light -- just aiming for a smile.)
Can you take some time off work? Go see your mom?
You know I'm here if you need it. As for the sleep, that's why there's wine....lots and LOTS of it.
Just don't be an alcoholic and all that.
It's over. Don't look back. Think about April. And go to bed.
I'm expecting a call in which you say "I'm coming over" and we sit around and drink wine while you tell me everything. Ya heard?
Oh sweety! I'm so sorry! Hang in there and try to reach out when you're in need - people DO care and people DO love you!!!
oh kendra, I've done that too. I always turn inward when I should turn outward. When I got postpartum depression to the extent that I was thinking the world would be so much better off without me....I finally woke up to the fact that I was in deep trouble. No one knew.
Let your friends support you. This is the painful lesson I learned.
You're dialling Amber right now, right?
I am wishing you a much better April.
I know what you mean about isolating yourself, I do the same thing. And I tell myself it doesn't make sense, but I keep doing it. It's just how we deal.
I hope you take Amber up on her offer.
Hang in there...It is spring, time for new possibilities.
Hey, you made a HUGE first step in even writing this post. But I know what you mean. Stupid as it is, when I need people the most, I shut myself off from everyone. Yet I'm really good at chastizing others for exactly the same thing (i.e. "You KNOW I'm ALWAYS here for you!!") If you ever figure out what causes this phenomenon, please let me know.
And I agree - call Amber.
You seem like an amazingly strong person, you're a great writer, you love the greatest game in the world, and you hate the Yankees...wow.
Just don't turn to Ben & Jerry for help, that's what I do...bad!!!
I agree with Beth--take some time off. Pretend you have a spring break still.
i can't either kendra! i can never seem to reach out - i can be there for others, but when it comes to asking for help for me,i shrug it off and think i've got it all under control. but of course i don't! i know i'm so far away, but i'm always here for you and i'm always sending wishes for VERY good things your way! april will be beter. i know it.
I tried to comment the other day but Blogger foiled me. KC, how can I help?!?! I know I'm far away, but virtually I'm here with you.
Honey. :( I have been checked out, I feel so bad! I just now read this...April is going to be so much better. Sending you big hugs. No more EKG machines!
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